I aim to write a mini series with my best tips to get through a tough time and as always with how to go about implementing them in your life. If you are going through a tough time, in your personal life or professional life or just life in general I will be sharing with you some of my best tips to bring you some relief or even help you get through your challenge. Once upon a time, I was like you, surfing the net looking for anything that would help me get out of my rut. I read a lot of blogs, watched a lot of videos, started reading self-help and motivational books and was diligent in following through the tips to a T to shake the funk off.
Some of the advice and techniques helped and some of them made it worse. You could be going through a bad break-up, financial hardship, family crisis, workplace drama, career confusion, health concerns, exam stress, bullying and even caught up helping a loved one go through a custody case. I can confidently say I have experienced most of the above mentioned and I also work with people who are experiencing stress, anxiety and burn-out as a result of going through such life experiences. No matter how bad the situation is, you have tremendous power in you to overcome your situation.
To start off this mini series, here are 3 of my best tips to help you ease your stress and hopefully help you with overcoming your challenges.
In each segment I focus on:
- Each of the 3 tips
- The Why
- The How
1. Get as much sleep as possible
A friend who went through a horrific divorce case told me that his saving grace was sleep and once his head touched the pillow that was it, he was in deep sleep. The 6 hours of good sleep helped him to stay focused at work and also make some important decisions related to his case. Well it might not be that easy for some of us to fall asleep that easily, when there’s so much going on in our head especially during a tough time. We can all agree that prioritising sleep is very crucial for our mental and physical wellbeing.
A common pattern I see in those who do not get enough sleep is that they find it hard to stay focused and energetic during the day. So they end-up consuming excessive caffeine and sugar for a quick pick-me up. And then when it comes to falling asleep at night they need another chemical to override the caffeine and sugar in their system to induce sleep. While using a little help from caffeine and sugar every now then is helpful, this kind of chemical overload could negatively impact our health.
Getting sufficient sleep can help your body reset and repair at night, give your brain and nervous system a break from all the excessive thinking and emotional distress and help you significantly with your overall mindset in relation to your current challenge. You will also rely less on chemical stimulants to stay focused during the day.
The How
- A good time to reset your sleep would be during the weekend. It will help you to dedicate a whole weekend to work on your sleep cycle.
- Focus on cutting down on screen time, drinking lots of water instead of sugary, caffeinated drinks and spend some time outdoors during the day.
- Avoid naps during the day, skip the sleep inducing supplements, go to bed early and switch off the lights. Play some relaxing music to fall asleep to.
- Try not to set the alarm and wake -up naturally so that your body can catch up on sleep.
- Then try to incorporate these steps during the week and adjust as necessary.
You can pick any two days when you are off work and it doesn’t have to be the weekend. It will take some time to overcome the hardwired habits related to your sleep schedule. But focusing on a healthy sleep routine so you can get some much needed sleep is a worthy goal to work towards.
2. Hang out only with people who make you feel good
A common pattern I see with people who are going through a tough time is that they hold on to certain significant people in their lives simply because they think they can’t afford to lose the company of them. Consider Lucy* who is going through a hard time in her romantic relationship and she confides in her friend Anna*. Anna is generous in giving her time to listen to Lucy’s troubles for long hours on the phone everyday. However Lucy finds that Anna keeps bringing up very intimate information of Lucy’s when they hangout with their regular group of friends.
Lucy is very uncomfortable with this behaviour of Anna as she trusts Anna to be her confidante. When she brings up the issue with Anna in private, Anna dismisses Lucy as being too sensitive and not wanting to admit the problem. Lucy tries again but Anna keeps defending her behaviour. However Lucy is scared to cut down her ties with Anna as she feels guilty for all the time and energy Anna has invested in her problem and thinks maybe it’s not that bad. What Lucy doesn’t realise is that since her relationship is on the rocks, she is scared of losing another significant person from her life.
Letting go of familiar circumstances, attention, affection, finding a replacement, loneliness and change are all mixed into Lucy’s holding onto this friendship with Anna. The friendship can also be a reflection of Lucy’s romantic relationship and her conflicting beliefs around relationships in general. When I refer to people who make you feel good, I do not mean in a superficial way. I am talking about people who appreciate your privacy, are not judgmental of your weaknesses, honest with their personal opinions but do not demand that you change and are overall compassionate as humanly as possible.
The How
- So take a moment to reflect on the people who are closest to you. Write down their names and how you feel when around them:
- After interacting with them, do you feel even more scared of the challenge you are going through and feel ashamed of yourself?
- Do they always talk over you? Do they sound very preachy but not offering any real help with resources such as time, expertise and empathy?
- Do they talk about your intimate information in front of others, write cryptic messages on social media posts related to your experience?
- Make a decision to cut down on the time spent with those who give you a funny feeling in your gut.
- Given your circumstances it may be hard for you to have crucial conversations with them. Save that for later. You can always resolve issues later. Right now, let’s focus on your mental health.
- You do not have to lie or make up excuses, you can simply say ‘I am taking time to rest and recharge and focus on my mental health (or health / wellbeing). I will get in touch with you when I am ready.’
- Do not be in a rush to fill the gap with the ones who make you feel good. Take time to figure out exactly what you expect from your relationships with loved ones.
I always say if people knew better they would do better. What I mean by ‘knew’ is not just the intellectual knowledge but also the knowledge you gain from experiences. Maybe these people who are not supportive are so because they are not being supported too and are going through their own issues. Send them some loving-kindness-Metta energy and focus on cherishing the positive relationships in your life.
3. Be selective with content you consume
When going through a tough time we tend to fill in the gaps of time by consuming all sorts of content so that we can take our mind off our worries for at least a few minutes . Escapism is not all negative and can be really helpful to give yourself a break from the incessant thinking and feeling that goes along with challenges. But how cognizant are you of the content that you consume? Are they really helping you or are they subconsciously contributing to your negative emotions and attitudes which adds to your challenge.
Many years ago, while going through a stressful time at work, a housemate played a thriller movie for us to watch. I could only get through the first 20 minutes. There was no way I could sit through the suspense of finding the murderer and the accompanying sound effects which usually magnifies your mood more than the actual scene. We usually do not think much of the content we consume and what sort of effect it has on our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
I have come across people who are very particular with the types of people they hang out with but they are not as aware of the type of content they consume daily on social media and mainstream. You might be familiar with the saying, ‘you become the average of the five people you hang out with’. Just like the conversations, beliefs and behaviours of people you hang out with conditions your mindset, the content you consume can either negatively or positively impact your mindset. Consuming negative content only enhances your emotional distress and affects your overall wellbeing and decision making.
So, when you are going through a tough time I suggest that you take a good look at your media diet and significantly minimise the amount of negative media content you consume.
The How
- When you get some quiet time, write down in your journal the type of content you watch. These could be news, movies, tv series, podcasts, YouTube videos, TikToks.
- Write down the genre and the theme of each category. Genre of movies could be ‘Horror’ and the theme would be ‘murder, psych-thrillers, paranormal’ etc. But you don’t have to be very nitty gritty and just best describe the theme and the mood related to each.
- Go through your Spotify playlists and reflect on the themes of the songs. Is the overall message negative or positive? Are there a lot of love gone bad songs and excessive profane words?
- Be very honest with yourself and ask, ‘Do I feel energised and positive after watching the tv series or listening to your playlist?’ At first you might try to justify your preferences as making changes to your hardwired habits can be hard. So journal for a week on how you feel after you engage in your usual content. Slowly you will recognise a relationship between the content you consume and how you feel.
- Gradually work on finding content with positive messaging and creating new playlists. Check out positive.news for an alternative to negative media. Listen to my fav AM Happy Mood playlist on Spotify.
I am a HipHop head and will always be one. But after listening to a talk by Oprah about 10 years ago ( I cannot recall the YouTube video to link it here) I heavily edited my playlists. I had already given up reading news and watching tv back then, but never realised how a 3 minute tune can still affect my mood. It’s ok to be different from your friends and do what’s important for your mental health.
As one of my ex-colleagues told me, ‘Every problem has a solution. Nothing is too big of a problem for you to not have a solution”. My personal philosophy is to always start with the basics and keep things as simple as possible. So when working on your challenge and getting through this tough time, focus on your basic and seemingly simple but essential needs. You will be surprised as to how your mood and attitude changes when you get enough sleep, start associating with positive people and start listening to a feel good playlist. Stay tuned for more of my best tips 🤗!
*The names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals involved.
